FOR SALE
Beach Wagon with Off-Road Capabilities
Used one season.
Successfully transported:
• four chairs
• two coolers
• one umbrella
• seven towels
• one overtired toddler
• approximately eleven pounds of sand
Buyer responsible for removing remaining seventeen pounds of sand.
FOR SALE
Slightly Used Football Collection
Includes:
• one regular football
• one Nerf football
• one miniature football
• one football of unknown origin found near the promenade
Seller claims collection has only interrupted three picnics.
SERVICES
Professional Promenade People-Watching Tours
Sit quietly and allow our trained observers to explain beach species in real time:
“Young Bicycle Swarm approaching…”
“Retired Speed Walker at two o’clock…”
“Large Football Family migrating north…”
SERVICES
Emergency Toddler Retrieval Team
Specializing in capture and recovery of tiny humans moving at impossible speeds.
Areas of expertise include:
• wave chasing
• bird chasing
• football chasing
• mysterious wandering
Response times depend entirely upon snack availability.
HELP WANTED
Volunteer Sunset Appreciation Assistant
Responsibilities include:
• staring at horizon dramatically
• saying “wow” quietly
• taking photos that never look as good as real life
No experience necessary.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Attention Sea Isle Visitors:
Please remember:
Children digging beach holes deeper than six feet are no longer “playing.”
They are beginning infrastructure projects.
Proceed accordingly.
LOST & FOUND
FOUND:
One flip-flop near the promenade.
Appears emotionally stable.
Suspiciously clean.
Possibly not from this beach.
LOST
Lost:
One dad named Mike.
Last seen saying:
“I’m just gonna walk over and watch the football game for a minute.”
Three hours later he had joined a team and apparently recorded two touchdowns.
Family would like him returned before dinner.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Reminder:
If someone on the beach yells:
“HEADS UP!”
Do not look down.
Do not freeze.
Do not attempt advanced calculations.
Simply accept that somewhere nearby a football has entered orbit. 🏈🌊🚲✨
For Sale: Vintage Summer Beater
Description: Selling one slightly rusted, baby blue beach cruiser. Features a squeaky basket, no brakes (it adds to the seaside thrill), and a license plate that says “I Love The Shore.” Perfect for coasting down the promenade to catch the sunset Free Concerts Under the Stars at Excursion Park. Price: $40 or 3 bags of caramel corn.
Wanted: Expert Sand Sculptor
Seeking a highly skilled sandcastle architect to defend our 29th Street beach plot. Looking for someone with a deep understanding of structural tide dynamics and a willingness to fend off aggressive seagulls attempting to steal our snacks. Serious inquiries only. Must bring your own industrial-grade red bucket.
Garage Sale: Ultimate “Girls Weekend” Cleanup
Downsizing my summer wardrobe ahead of the busy season! Selling 14 oversized pastel sweatshirts, 8 pairs of neon sunglasses, and an almost-full bottle of coconut sunscreen. Perfect starter kit for anyone attending the famous Spring Girls Weekend or simply looking to blend in on the promenade.
LOST: MY DIGNITY (AND MY FLIP-FLOP)
Lost somewhere between Excursion Park and the Promenade during the Skimmer Festival. One black Reef flip-flop (left foot) and a shred of self-respect. If found holding up the line at Maryanne’s Pastry, please keep the shoe but return the pride.
FOUND: A MATTRESS ON THE ATLANTIC OCEAN
Floating about 50 yards off the 43rd Street beach. Appears to belong to a local participant of the Polar Bear Plunge who took the “chill for a few minutes” advice way too literally back in February. Barnacles included. Must retrieve by kayak.
ISO: PROFESSIONAL SEAGULL BODYGUARD
Seeking a highly aggressive individual (human or trained hawk) to guard my Manco & Manco pizza slice while sitting on the sand. Must be willing to make direct eye contact with the local gull mafia. Payment in crusts and fries.
WANTED: TIME MACHINE FOR THE SARA THE WHALE
Desperately seeking a scientist to build a time machine so I can go back and slide down the fiberglass tail of Sara the Whale at the old Amusement Park. Will swap a 2026 seasonal beach tag and a box of fudge.
FOR RENT: PRIME 2’x2′ PROMENADE REAL ESTATE
Available for rent this Friday night from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM. Perfect visual territory for people-watching. Ideal for judging questionable vacation fashion choices and spotting oversized ice cream cones. Serious offers only.
FOR SALE: LIGHTLY USED POLAR BEAR SUIT
Worn only once in freezing February water. Smells faintly of sea water, adrenaline, and hot cocoa. Perfect for someone looking to freeze their tail off next winter or scare the neighbors on Landis Avenue.
MATH TUTOR FOR BEACH TAG CALCULATIONS
Are you struggling to figure out if it is cheaper to buy four daily tags, two weekly tags, or just risk the beach patrol side-eye? I offer emergency beach-blanket math sessions. Discount if you provide iced coffee.
PROMENADE PACING COACH
Is your family walking too slow on the boards? Are they blocking the bike lanes? Hire me to whip them into shape. I teach the “Sea Isle Shuffle”—a high-efficiency power walk designed to get you to the arcade before the crowd.