SANDY HOOK CLASSIFIEDS
FOR SALE
Slightly Haunted Fort Hancock Flashlight
Used exactly twice.
Works perfectly except for occasional unexplained flickering near old military buildings.
Probably unrelated.
Probably.
FOR SALE
Pre-Owned Sandy Hook Binoculars
Ideal for:
• bird watching
• seal spotting
• skyline gazing
• pretending you’re a lighthouse keeper from 1873
May accidentally make Manhattan look emotionally closer than physically possible.
SERVICES
Skyline Staring Consultation Services
Can’t decide whether to look at ocean waves or New York City?
Professional guidance available.
Packages include:
• Deep Thoughts Package
• Existential Package
• “Should I Quit My Job?” Package
SERVICES
Official Piping Plover Boundary Translation Services
Confused by tiny fenced areas on the beach?
We explain important beach signage including:
“No, seriously…”
“Please don’t cross this…”
“The tiny bird is somehow in charge here.”
HELP WANTED
Assistant Lighthouse Keeper
Seeking motivated applicants to help watch over America’s oldest continuously operating lighthouse.
Requirements:
• appreciation for history
• ability to climb stairs
• willingness to dramatically stare into storms
Fake pirate accents encouraged.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Attention Sandy Hook Visitors:
Please remember:
The foxes live here.
The deer live here.
The birds live here.
You are technically the Airbnb guest.
Behave accordingly.
LOST & FOUND
FOUND:
One sandal discovered near Gunnison Beach access path.
Owner description unavailable for reasons everyone involved wishes to avoid discussing.
Please claim discreetly.
LOST
Lost:
One husband named Frank.
Last seen saying:
“I’m just gonna walk over and see what beach this path goes to…”
Returned twenty minutes later walking suspiciously fast while staring directly at the horizon.
No further questions requested.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Reminder:
If you hear someone suddenly whisper:
“Look…a seal…”
Everyone within a fifty-foot radius is legally required to stop what they are doing and look immediately.
We don’t make the rules.
Nature does. 🦭🦊🔦✨
FOR SALE: 1954 Vintage Nike Missile (Needs minor TLC)
Location: Fort Hancock Nike Site
Selling a mid-century, decommissioned Cold War relic. Perfect for yard decor or keeping the seagulls off your roof. Asking for $1.00 (same price as those popular Sandy Hook Kayaks ranger tours). Please, no lowball offers—I know what I have.
MISSING: One pair of men’s size 10 shorts
Location: Parking Lot G / Gunnison Beach
Last seen Saturday afternoon near the dunes before I decided to embrace the elements. If found, please return to the “Clothing Optional” boundary sign. Reward: One slightly melted chocolate-dipped cone from the beach snack stand.
SERVICES: Professional Trash Can Ransacker & Midnight Picnic Inspector
Location: Throughout Bayside Campsites
Tired of opening your chip bags yourself? I can do it silently in the dark. I work for scraps, unattended coolers, and love shiny objects. References available upon request from any park ranger. Contact: “Bandit” the Raccoon.
WANTED: Experienced Sea Glass Hunters
Location: Plum Island & Horseshoe Cove
Seeking a dedicated beachcomber to help me search the bayside. Must be able to tell the difference between rare 18th-century antique glass and a stray, frosted Bud Light bottle from 1999. BYO sifter.
WANTED: Ghost Tour Guide
Location: Officer’s Housing Row
Seeking a tour guide brave enough to walk through Battery Potter after sundown. We need someone to explain the military history of the yellow brick buildings while we nervously check our surroundings. Knowledge of unexploded ordnance (UXO) safety is a plus.
FREE: Used Bicycle Tires
Location: Multi-Use Pathway
Selling out because I took a “playful” bike ride through the holly forests and didn’t heed the signs. Tread is completely gone from avoiding the venomous poison ivy in the dunes. Pick up near the entrance booths.
LOST: MY DIGNITY AT GUNNISON BEACH
Left it somewhere near the clothing-optional dunes on Sunday. If found, please wrap it in a towel before returning.
FOUND: ONE COLD WAR OSPREY HELICOPTER
Hovering near Fort Hancock. Looks expensive. Call the Pentagon to claim.
FOR RENT: HISTORIC OFFICERS’ ROW MANSION
Comes with 19th-century charm, stunning Manhattan skyline views, and at least three colonial military ghosts who refuse to pay rent. Lawn mower not included.
FOR SALE: LIGHTLY USED BINOCULARS
Perfect for spotting rare seals at Plum Island, distant cargo ships, or trying to figure out if that person on Gunnison Beach is wearing a very flesh-colored swimsuit.
PROFESSIONAL HOOF-TRIMMER FOR SHORE HOLLY TREES
Keep your ancient coastal maritime forest looking sharp! Special discounts for trees over 200 years old.
NY SKYLINE BLOCKER
Will stand directly in your field of view on the bay side if you are feeling overwhelmed by the sheer scale of Manhattan and just want to pretend it’s still 1776.