FOR SALE
Victorian Porch Rocking Chair
Lightly used. Perfect for watching sunsets, dolphins, and silently judging tourists who ask if Cape May Diamonds are actual diamonds. Slight squeak adds authenticity. Pickup near Washington Street Mall.
FOR SALE
Cape May Dolphin Binoculars
Claimed to increase dolphin sightings by 73%. Actual science unavailable. May also accidentally identify distant seagulls as whales. Batteries not included because…they’re binoculars.
FOR SALE: Slightly Used Beach Cruiser
Description: The tires are flat, the basket is permanently bent, and it makes a clicking sound when you pedal. But it’s painted “Victorian Teal,” so it matches literally every Bed & Breakfast in town. A steal at $150. Firm.
FOR SALE: 50 lbs of Sand from the Cove
Description: I found this in the bottom of my beach bag, my shoes, and my car’s cupholder. Selling for $5, or will trade for a cold pint at the Rusty Nail.
FOR SALE
FOR SALE: Ghost-Free Wicker Loveseat. Purchased from an antique shop on the Washington Street Mall. Beautiful condition. Absolutely no historical spirits attached to it. None. Do not mind the faint smell of lavender and the sound of phantom piano music at 3:00 AM. That is just character. Best offer.
FOR SALE: Emergency Seagull Defense Shield. A slightly modified, heavy-duty golf umbrella equipped with plastic spikes and a high-frequency whistle. Guaranteed to protect your boardwalk French fries from aerial theft. Tested against the aggressive gulls of Cape May. Only used once (successfully).
FOR SALE: Unused Beach Tag Collection. A pristine set of seasonal beach tags from the last five years. I bought them with grand intentions but spent every single weekend reading on the porch of my rental house instead. Never touched salt water.
SERVICES
Casey’s Deliriously Desperate Dolphin Tours
Professional dolphin spotting and enthusiastic pointing available daily at sunrise. Includes coffee recommendations and at least six false alarms.
“DOLPHIN!”
“Wait…never mind. Buoy.”
SERVICES
Grand Theft French Fry Prevention & Security Services
Experienced seagull deterrence team available for beach lunches and boardwalk dining.
Methods include:
• dramatic arm waving
• suspicious eye contact
• advanced fry shielding techniques
No guarantees.
SERVICES
WANTED: Professional Umbrella Chaser
Description: Looking for a brave soul to sprint down Beach Avenue after my 7-foot, neon-pink beach umbrella, which caught a breeze and is currently heading towards Beach Plum Farm. Reward offered.
SERVICES: Professional Porch Sitter
Description: Are you busy dining, whale watching, or hitting the wineries? Hire me to sit on your wrap-around Victorian porch, sip iced tea, and wave at the tourists. I have excellent posture and look great in a wicker rocking chair.
SERVICES
SERVICES: Professional Gingerbread Trim Untangler. Did you buy a historic home only to realize the wooden trim looks like a spiderweb designed by a Victorian architect on caffeine? I offer delicate detangling, dusting, and repainting of thousands of tiny wooden scrolls.
SERVICES: Binocular Calibration for Birders. Heading to the Cape May Bird Observatory? Do not let blurry vision make you mistake a common seagull for a rare piping plover. I will calibrate your lenses and teach you how to nod knowingly when someone says, “Look at that plumage.”
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Attention Cape May Visitors:
If you hear someone yelling:
“THERE! THERE! LOOK!”
Please remain calm.
You have likely encountered a Dolphin Watcher.
Do not run.
Simply nod enthusiastically and stare toward the ocean.
LOST & FOUND
FOUND:
One flip-flop near Sunset Beach.
Appears emotionally exhausted.
Covered in sand.
Seems to have accepted its fate.
Claim near the lighthouse.
LOST
Lost:
One husband named Gary.
Last seen near Washington Street Mall saying:
“I’ll wait outside.”
Has not been seen in approximately two hours.
Possibly trapped in a fudge store.
LOST: One “Cape May Diamond”
Description: Lost somewhere between Sunset Beach and the lighthouse. It’s a pebble-sized, milky quartz rock that I absolutely swore was going to pay for my vacation. If found, please return to my beach chair; I am currently crying near the water’s edge.
FOUND: Victorian Ghost
Description: Wandering around the Emlen Physick Estate. This gentleman in an 1880s wool top hat keeps trying to hand me a lawn tennis racket and asking where the nearest telegraph office is. Please come claim him before I have to pay for an extra trolley tour ticket.
LOST: Sanity on Beach Avenue. Dropped somewhere between the hours of 11:00 AM and 1:00 PM while searching for a parking spot. If you find it, please use it yourself, as I have already given up and walked three miles from the bridge.
SEEKING / WANTED
WANTED: Professional Victorian Porch Sitter. Historic B&B seeks an individual with excellent posture to rock gently in a wicker chair from dawn until dusk. Must look contemplative while sipping tea. Bonus points if you can sigh wistfully at passing horse-drawn carriages. Linen attire provided.
WANTED: Dolphin Translator. Local whale-watching cruise seeks a specialist to decipher what the pod off the coast is clicking about. Suspect they are making fun of our sunburns and the way we use selfie sticks. Must be fluent in echolocation and beach gossip.
WANTED: Cape May Technical Support. Seeking an engineer to explain to my family that the concrete ship Atlantus cannot be “repaired with a really big tarp and some flex tape.” Must have patience for stubborn uncles. Payment in fish tacos.